How will I feel at the Hospital?

By Annie Larkin | Published June 7, 2010

Birthparents and adoptive parents experience many different feelings at the hospital. This time is hard, powerful, and often results in birthparents and adoptive parents reaching new heights in their relationship. Each person and each match is so unique it is usually hard to predict these feelings. The beauty of open adoption is that birthparents and adoptive parents build a loving and supportive relationship with each other before arriving at the hospital. You will know each other’s faces, voices and personalities. There will be no strangers.

A birthparent will also have the support of the counselor at the IAC. She will already have built a relationship and feel comfortable with her counselor. The counselor will help her process and validate the normal feelings that come with loss and grieving. Placing a baby for adoption generally brings up many emotions: denial, anger, ambivalence, depression. The journey toward resolution and acceptance is not easy, but if a birthmother is making the right decision for herself, she will become stronger, recover and fulfill a bright and healthy future. Though it is hard to know what you will feel in the hospital, as a birthparent, you will prepare with your counselor for these feelings and when they arise, you will be able to identify the feelings as well as have someone you trust to lean on for support (your counselor). After the hospital experience, birthparents can feel a deeper connection to the adoptive parent(s).

Adoptive parents will most likely experience conflicting emotions. After building a close relationship to the birthparents, the adoptive parents will have compassion for the grieving process. Often the adoptive parents find they are crying with a birthparent in one room and together in another room at the same time they are celebrating the potential addition to their family. Sometimes, birthparents and adoptive parents cry and celebrate together.

Your IAC counselor can help support all of you as you travel through your unique hospital experience and all the emotions that come along with it.

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  • Cindy

    I was so forunate that I got to 'move in' with my baby's adoptive parents for a good number of weeks (as they wanted me to give birth in their state) and it was the best thing for me, and maybe them as well. We got to live under one roof and got to know each other so well in that time. Any doubt or hesitation I had then vanished once I spent so much time with them.
    In the hospital, they were in the labor room with me; as soon as Amy came out and the Dr. put her on my belly, the adoptive mom got to cut the cord, and we were all crying. Then they got their own hospital room, and since I truly wanted my baby to start bonding with her new mom and dad, I allowed them to take over. They had Amy with them in their hospital room across the hall from my room, and I only held her one night for about 20 minutes.

    As I look back, I am not sure if I made the best decision not to spend more time with her. I felt strongly I did not want to bond with her, and then have second thoughts and I wanted to protect my heart from further pain or feelings of loss.
    Anyway, it is of my opinion that an open adoption is the way to go!

  • Shari

    Our hospital experience was amazing!  The hospital only allowed moms to stay overnight, so it was just me (adopting mom) and N (birthmom).  We had beds in the same room and took care of Soren together all night.  I was in awe of everything N had done and was doing to make sure Soren was perfectly healthy, and I think she was able to trust that I could be trusted to take over that responsibility.  We became great friends and talk, text, or email at least once a week about everything that is going on in Soren’s life.

    It was hard to leave, knowing N was going home without Soren for the first time in 9 months, so we made sure to have a plan for our first visit before we left.  We never want N to have to wonder or worry about him!  The other day she texted me that “this turned out so perfect”, and I couldn’t agree more!

    Sending hope and blessings to all those out there facing difficult decisions for you and your baby, and to those waiting patiently to become parents.  May you all find peace and happiness!

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