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Cindy

I found out I was pregnant in the fall of 2005. I was already parenting three children and decided to place this child for adoption. Little did I know my life, and the lives of others, was about to change drastically.

I found Sherry and Stu's profile on the IAC’s website, along with five other couples, whom I never ended up contacting because I felt so strongly about Sherry and Stu. In December I flew from my home in Upper Michigan to their home in Phoenix, Arizona for a match meeting. It went very well with our open adoption counselor mediating over speakerphone, and by the end of the meeting we decided to match. I then stayed in Phoenix at their home for four days getting to know them and doing fun things together. I felt great flying back home to Michigan knowing I had found my baby's parents!

Winter went on, and in nine months my weight went from 119 lbs. to 199 lbs! Spring arrived, and my two little girls and I flew out to Phoenix to live with Sherry and Stu for a few months before and after Amy's birth.

During our stay, my girls and I developed a close family-like relationship with them, which was very important to me. Sherry, being a teacher, was kind enough to home school my daughters while there. I grew to love Sherry and Stu like family. Getting to know and bond with my baby's parents through open adoption was the only way I could follow through on my decision.

I wasn't due to deliver for a few more weeks, but the doctor decided to strip my membranes. Nothing happened for three days. On Mother’s Day, May 14, 2006, we had a nice breakfast by the pool and I gave Sherry and gift for 'our' baby. As the day went on I began to feel weird. At 8:02PM, I stood up and felt a small gush. Then a bigger one that got my shorts all wet and dripped onto the floor. My girls and Sherry were in the kitchen so I went in and said, "It's time to go!" We got Stu and headed to the hospital. They were both very excited.

Stu and Sherry were in the labor room throughout the labor and the birth, and when the baby came, they cut the cord. They were crying with joy as I cried with relief.

After her birth, I was put in a room across from Sherry and Stu and 'our' baby, Amy Rose Braks. I only held her in the hospital for 20 minutes. I wanted her to bond with her new parents. I also wanted to protect my heart. To bond with her, probably would have meant I would have wanted to take her home with me.

When it was time to leave the hospital, we all headed back to Sherry and Stu's spacious one-story house. For the next two weeks my girls and I stayed on one side of the house while Sherry, Stu, and baby Amy stayed on the other side. We ate dinner together and saw each other occasionally, but every time I saw Amy I kept my distance. I tried to pretend that little girl wasn't mine and that I hadn't just given birth to her. If I let myself feel those emotions, I wouldn't have been able to place her. And I knew I wanted to do what was best for Amy, not my heart.

I saw the relinquishment papers on the table, and for a few days ignored them. When I finally signed them, it was not as difficult as I had expected. I already knew in my heart that my baby was their baby.

The night before I left Arizona, I took my counselor’s advice and decided to spend some time saying goodbye to Amy. I went into Sherry and Stu’s bedroom and told them I wanted hold to her. I took her into a private room and talked to her and told her how much I loved her. I cried and cried. I kissed her all over: her cheeks, her lips, her eyes, her nose. I took the time to really look her over. There were no words to describe the magnitude of love I felt for that tiny human being that was a part of me. Then I said goodbye. It was (and still is) heart-wrenching.

The next morning on our way out, Sherry took me aside and held my hands and cried. She thanked me over and over and said that if I ever came to a point in my life where I felt I hadn't made a difference in the world, or felt I hadn’t done anything meaningful, to think back to this time and how I changed their lives with this new little life.

After returning home to Michigan, the first few months were filled with shock and denial. The next time I saw her, Amy was four and a half months old. Reality hit me and I began to experience a good deal of grief. To this day I deal with feelings of loss, but it puts me at ease to know that Amy is happy, healthy and loved.

I have seen her two more times since that first visit and each time I am reminded of how beautiful, smart and sweet she is. She is too precious for words. With her fourth birthday coming up in May, I plan on making a trip to Arizona to see her again.

I am so grateful for open adoption and I am honored and proud to be a birthmother.