Hear From Other Women

Kim

Why did you choose open adoption?
Honestly, I do not think I could have done it any other way. Knowing where my daughter is, what she looks like, and how wonderful her quality of life is constantly reassures me of my decision. It was appealing for me to be able to choose her family. It made me feel like I was not simply giving her away, but deciding on exactly who I thought was going to give her the best life possible. I knew that she was going to have all of the little things that I was not able to provide for her.

What are your feelings about open adoption? How has it affected your life?
Open adoption is certainly a life changing process. In terms of adoption, I believe open adoption is best for everyone involved. The child is placed with a loving family who is prepared to give them everything they need, while still having access to their birthparents should any questions arise. The adoptive couple gets to start a family that they have been anxiously awaiting for and the birthmother gets to see her child grow up without the guilt or pressure of raising a child she was not yet able to care for.

Why was it important for you to be a part of your child’s life? Is it hard for you to see your child now? What kinds of emotions do you feel when you see your child?
It was crucially important for me to be a part of my daughter’s life. I want to be sure that she knows she is loved. It is not hard for me to see her now because she is old enough to recognize me and express emotion towards me. I feel nothing but happiness when I see her. I am very proud to see her athletic accomplishments and am grateful to be able to see what a great little person she has become. It was a bit more difficult for me when she was a baby, before she was old enough to be aware of who I was.

What are your feelings about the adoptive family? What is your relationship like with them?
I really love the family that adopted Reed. They ended up being everything I wished for her to have. In fact, it was Reed’s older sister, Quinn, who “sealed the deal” in my mind. She was very bright and happy as a young child which gave me a window to see what great parents Brooks and Susan were. It warmed my heart just before Reed was born to see how excited Quinn was. She even had a name picked out for her soon-to-be sibling; it was “sister fairy princess.” We all have a very comfortable relationship. Our latest visits have been during the girls' swim meets where we all get to catch up and get some sun and fresh air together. I look forward to e-mails from Susan, who gives me little updates in Reed’s life along with pictures from time to time.

Do you ever think it would have been easier for you to not see your child at all?
No way! The fact that I could see her grow up was the deciding factor for me. If I did not want to see her, I would have gone with a closed adoption.

Have your family and friends been supportive?
I am very lucky to have been supported by both my family and friends throughout the many phases of my daughter’s life. However, being that I was pregnant in high school, there were inevitable “critics” of my choice. There have been some people in my life that accepted the adoption without question as well as others who literally asked “how could you do that?” I do not know how I could have made it through such a process without the reassurance of my parents and close friends.

Can you talk a little bit about your experience with the IAC?
I love the IAC! I remember my first call to their “1-800” number. From the very beginning of my call, there seemed to be a very personal interest in my situation. They make sure you are informed and comfortable every step of the way; you always know what is going to happen next. There is counseling available during and after your placement. There is even counseling if you decide not to go through with the adoption! That is pretty remarkable to me because there is never any pressure to make a sudden decision about anything, which in turn helps you to make choices on your own time, in your own unique way. They never made me feel like I was a bad person or as if they only wanted my baby. That is the best part of the IAC; they truly have everybody’s best interest in mind.

How long has it been since you placed your child with an adoptive family?
It has been 10 years since my daughter’s birth!

Do you have children now? If so, how do they feel about the adoption?
I do not have any other children yet. However, when I do, I plan on telling them all about Reed. I hope that she and any future children of mine will develop a positive relationship.

Is there anything else you would like to say?
I have gone through many phases as the years have passed since Reed’s birth. While I have never regretted my decision, I have gone through many emotions over time. While I can undoubtedly say that open adoption was the right choice for me, it did not come without endless support and preparation. The hardest day of my life, hands down, was the day I left the hospital in one car while my first born daughter left in another. I cannot express enough the importance of having someone to support you during such a difficult time. The pain is bittersweet. I do not know any other birthmother who would not tell you it was all worth it in the end.