Hear From Other Women

Lisa

The word “adoption” had always seemed to have a sad stigma attached to it before I chose to place my baby. Growing up and knowing kids that had been adopted, they seemed a little sad or misplaced. They seemed to yearn to find their “real” parents, or they would wonder why they were “given up”, and/or they fantasized about who they looked or acted like, after knowing they weren’t their adoptive parents’ biological mix. I knew of women who had given up their babies in closed adoptions. That was sad because they were forced to let go of their baby to someone they didn’t know. Then, they would possibly live their whole life wondering if their child was loved or mistreated. Those were my ideas of adoption before I discovered open adoption. It all seemed strange and unnatural.

So when I became pregnant, my paradigm included only two options: becoming a single mom or abortion. I scheduled an abortion, and postponed it several times. I was told one day in a lecture I was attending to open myself up to new paradigms. Sometimes we get lazy by just thinking one way and we tend to not let ourselves expand and realize there are other ways to do things in this life. A day or two later when I was raging at my roommate about some ridiculously petty thing, the word “adoption” kept repeating itself in my head. I stopped in the middle of the hallway and realized in that moment a peaceful feeling had washed over me. Then I pictured my way through it to the end, and started to seriously consider it. I said to myself, “it wouldn’t hurt me to go through this pregnancy and it would help someone who was ready to have this child in their life." That day a friend called. When I mentioned the thought to her, she was excited, and she immediately went online and found a few agencies (and lawyers) for me to contact. I called a few before I called IAC. When I finally called IAC, there was no awkwardness or pressure. I felt like the other people I had called were holding me out at arms length like I was a leper. IAC answered questions with kindness and followed through with me when they said they would. I ended up taking full advantage of the amazing counseling almost every day.

Honestly, my first thought when I heard about the “open” part of the adoption process was that I didn’t want that, but instead I would want to just walk away because it would hurt too much to know anything about my baby. But I now know that what makes that feeling of not wanting to know go away is having the power of choosing the perfect family for the baby. I believe it is the most important part of open adoption in order to make it work. There is no doubt that if the perfect family is chosen, then both parties (the birthmom and the adoptive family) get to choose how much communication is comfortable for everyone. Once my perfect family was chosen, everything else fell perfectly into place.

I went through hundreds of profiles and spoke with two other families before I picked the right family for me. What initially drew me to them was their little girl who was giggling in the picture and beaming with happiness. I remember smiling and thinking, “I want my baby to look that happy” and she does! My first conversation with them was when they said they wanted to fly me up to see where they lived and that they wanted me to be a part of their extended family. I knew they were the ones. I still get choked up remembering the next phase of peacefulness that washed over me knowing I was doing the right thing. I chose to stay in contact with the family on a very open basis; I get pictures every couple of weeks and even videos on occasion! The adoptive family even gave her my last name as her middle name, which shows me how grateful they are to me. Every time I see her with her family there is confirmation that I made the only choice that was best for me, for Emma and for her adoptive family. My family loves their family and we are all in contact with each other. I truly feel as if I was meant to give birth to her for them. I feel no shame at all for just knowing in my heart I simply couldn’t give her the life she deserves and there was a family that was waiting especially for her.